India's real estate developers have got it badly wrong

I've always wanted a home of my own. Not my parents' place...but my own pad. As things go, the home I was born and brought up in reflects my parents taste and restrictions. It's in a very convenient location though, and where now flats are priced in crores as a matter of routine. Even my parents were surprised at this development a few years ago..but then after Nariman Point, this area is the newly minted business district of Mumbai. If gossip among shopkeepers is true (and all of them here are part-time real estate brokers when they are not being fruit/veggie vendors, grocers, tailors etc!), then atleast three 5-star hotels are also likely to come up in Prabhadevi.

So keeping all of this in mind, homes are, ironically, not as comfortably priced within the reach of upper middle class Indians anymore. They are outrageously priced and a lot of people I grew up with who are married, are living with in-laws. Where there is an only son/daughter, then ofcourse there is no need to buy a home of your own. These lucky people can just wait to inherit, which is exactly what many are doing. Meanwhile, they camp out of rented homes within India or abroad. This comfort zone is just not available to someone like me with two younger siblings.

Knowing this, I've always been monitoring real estate prices (and news) and have noticed not only how they have skyrocketed, but also how skewed the demographics have become in the city. People who came to Mumbai and squatted all over the place on pavements in upscale areas, are now being given homes by MHADA because developers can claim extra floor space index (FSI) when redeveloping surrounding properties that they have acquired. This takes care of the eyesore that these slums had become..but it also makes flat owners of people who were, until yesterday, stealing electricity from the public light poles. And everyone knows, that these people have figured out how to earn money from their flats while they go back to living in slums somewhere else.

I can't believe real estate developers in India are this foolish - to keep giving flats to the same people in different parts of Mumbai..but then what if they choose to ignore doing this? If they are watching out for scamsters, then good for them because they want people like us to pay through our teeth, for their expensive apartments, when our 'poorer' next-door neighbours are getting it free of cost. Have they realised how stupid this sounds? Why would I even want my driver/peon/servant as a neighbour in the first place? All egalitarian big talk aside, even Shabana Azmi wouldn't want slum-dwellers as her neighbours. She just wants them to be taken off pavements and given proper homes.

                                                             Types of Fraud

I don't believe these crazy prices are justified. The infrastructure in Mumbai takes two steps forward and four steps behind, and no one is fooled about this being progress. I agree that cost of land has gone up but then builders pad up everything else. When they can form a legal cartel (like OPEC) and negotiate better steel, cement, glass (i.e. raw material) prices, they work in competition with each other. Then they construct ever taller buildings with exorbitant price tags to it, and expect all of us to come running to them with cash in our hands.

I recently came across a report called 'Fighting Fraud in Construction', which talks about this in detail. And the report very clearly states that real estate developing firms are the ones who should be taking the initiative to curb fraud, bring down their cost of doing business and pass on these benefits to us. How many of them in India will do it, is anybody's guess.

The report states steps that employees of real estate development firms need to do to watch out for bribery, fake billing, corruption etc, and also how senior management needs to back them up. Whistleblowing should be encouraged and also done discreetly.

But we can vote with our wallets too. We can refuse to buy their overpriced apartments and look out for resale homes. Or stay in rented ones. After all, if you customise a place enough, it could pass for your home. Just don't stoop to renting from a slum dweller. Those homes were given to these people to live in and not to make money out of, so go ahead and report such people to the police.

Graphic is from the report. Read the report here and pass it on: http://www.grantthornton.co.uk/globalassets/1.-member-firms/united-kingdom/pdf/publication/2013/time-for-a-new-direction.pdf

'Committed': All things Marriage in a nutshell

I've just finished reading an Elizabeth Gilbert book, and it's not 'Eat, Pray Love' but the sequel 'Committed'. While the first book didn't interest me because I didn't want to know how she overcame her depression (a result of her horrible divorce). While it's fine to share your coping mechanisms with the world, I know from experience that you have to come up with your own strategies in the first place. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.

But what caught my eye about 'Committed' was the tag line beneath the title: 'A Skeptic makes peace with Marriage'. Well, that certainly got my attention because I'm a huge skeptic and truly think marriage is overrated. And so did this author who was prepared to just live-in with her lover (Felipe) forever. But that's before the Department of Homeland Security decided that they should get married if they ever wanted to live in America together. It was either that or living abroad. So she's forced to contemplate marrying this man, and the book is a result of a fair amount of research done on the subject.

I liked the research because it was well written and confirmed my fears. Women indeed, don't get the best deal out of a marriage. Their life span shortens and if they are working, they then tend to lose 7% off their payscale. The last fact itself seemed unfair to me, considering that we don't get paid well to begin with, compared to men. So, to know that after marrying one of them, I'm likely to suffer in this way, has certainly not made marriage any more tempting in my eyes.

But the book was written so the author could work out her kinks about this issue..just like 'Eat Pray Love'. And towards the end, she does get married. What works for her is that she does know Felipe when she's put to the test. She traipses through South-east Asia for around a year with him, while immigration lawyers sorted out the mess. They lived out of dinky hotel rooms while she wrote this book and read up on the research. And the result is a must-read. I won't say I'm less skeptical now about marriage than I was last week (when I hadn't read the book) but then she does make a fairly compelling case for why it endures, in every society and culture in the world.

At the moment, I don't have her kind of border-security problems but neither do I know a Felipe. This man is 17 years older than her, divorced, with two grown-up kids (Zo and Erica who live in Australia) and she meets him in a romantic place like Bali. And he does make statements like: "A woman's place is in the kitchen. She's supposed to sit there with her feet up, enjoying a glass of wine, while watching her husband cook." And he's the one who cooks their wedding lunch, across two days of love and labouring over it. So he isn't just a glib talker but actually does know (and do) what he's talking about. Tell me, who wouldn't like this man?

He's also Brazilian, so may be I was born in the wrong country to begin with!

Sexing up Women - Part 2

I wrote an earlier post about men sexing women up for selling everything - from cars, shaving creams to coffee. Read it here Can men do anything without sexing us up? So when I saw this ad, I just had to put it up and see if people could spot what these gorgeous people are selling. And the fact is, they are selling something as mundane as forks and spoons! Yes, this is true and I haven't made it up. Just look at the ridiculous way the woman is holding up a spoon, so she can wear lipstick while looking at her reflection in it.

And just a few months back, people were making such a ruckus about mannequins displaying lingerie. Seriously, people were writing editorials and articles for and against a topic which was a no-brainer. Victoria's Secret positions live models displaying lingerie in their New York storefront windows. And while we don't do anything like that in India, we have enough celebs showing off so much skin anyway, that almost nothing is left to the imagination.

One of the more intelligent ones, Gul Panag, wrote a column in Indian Express and she retweeted every bit of praise about it, sent to her by her fans and hangers-on. I read her column and she sides with her maid and her Bihari Man-Friday in disapproving this kind of lingerie display. I was surprised to read her point of view and I said so to her. After all, everyone has the option of looking away, if they don't like to see something..don't they? I told her that male specimens especially would do the exact opposite. They will ogle even though they can't afford the stuff, and then ofcourse pretend to frown at all of this. Ms Panag never retweeted my opinion.

Then a few days later, I happened to be at Oxford bookstore and was browsing through the magazine racks. And there was Ms Panag on the cover of a magazine in bridal wear. The choli of her outfit was so low- cut that she was literally popping out of it. I don't know many brides outside of a Hindi movie who would dress like this. And certainly didn't expect it from a person who was against plastic mannequins from displaying lingerie. But money is money..and we all know that celebs like her make tonnes of it just doing these kind of photo shoots, especially when movie roles are few and far between. I've posted that magazine cover picture from her Twitter profile itself, so take a look. 

And yes, I made a point of asking her about this on Twitter too. I asked her how is it okay to write that kind of article and then pose for this kind of picture? Well..no answer was forthcoming. I guess skin shows by live models are fine but mannequins are objectionable! 

For that matter, Indian women as a rule, don't go around with their cleavages hanging out of even a sari blouse. Only these showbiz-Page 3 types do it. They help men sexualise us, as if they ever needed help with this to begin with! Well to each his/her own, but preaching one thing and practicing another is not on.

Holistic healing for the mind, body & soul

In today’s ambitious target and deadline driven work scenario people have little time for dealing with disease and health related needs. Modern medical practices combined with allopathy certainly are a boon to harried patients, but more and more people are looking at alternative therapies for healing everything from the common cold to cancer to failed relationships. Holistic healing is the new buzzword among health tourists – a term used to describe avid searchers for wellness.

“Chronic lifestyle diseases, the non-infectious ones, are on the rise, and mainstream allopathy has diminishing returns,” says holistic health coach and yoga-meditation teacher Nilima Bhat, explaining the demand for alternative therapies today. Illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, migraines and blood pressure point to the devastating damage stress can wreak upon the body’s immune system which leads to a breakdown of the mind-body-spirit. There are many full-scale medical systems around the world that offer alternative therapies to rejuvenate mind-body-spirit. 

Nilima for instance draws on therapies as diverse as ayurveda, Chinese and Tibetan medicine, hypnotherapy, EFT, Hawaiian Ho’oponopono, family constellation, and her signature cellular healing meditation. These therapies can help relieve chronic conditions like allergies, body ache, joint pains etc which can affect the quality of a person’s life, her ability to hold a job, and her financial and emotional well-being. “Most holistic healing therapies deal with the imbalances in our life-force energy, also known as prana or chi. When there is well-being there is a balance in our energy body. A lack of energy - due to emotional/mental stress or other factors - leads to illness. This shows up first in our energy body or aura, and ultimately manifests itself in our physical body as illness,” says Kapila Ramakrishnan, holistic healer and sound therapist.

Here’s a bird’s eye view at some alternative healing therapies:

Pranic Healing

Prana is a Sanskrit word that means life-force. This invisible bio-energy or vital energy keeps the body alive and maintains a state of good health. Pranic healing was developed by Grandmaster Choa Kok Sui. This technique utilizes prana to balance, harmonize and transform the body's energy processes. It is based on the fundamental principle that the body is a self-repairing living entity that possesses the ability to heal itself. The healing process is accelerated by increasing this life-force that is readily available from the sun, air and ground to address physical and emotional imbalances. Healers use their hands or sometimes a quartz crystal to scan the energy body, and a saltwater bowl to dispose of the diseased energy. Since pranic healing does not require touching the physical body it can be done across cities and countries if required.

Reiki

The word ‘reiki’ is composed of two Japanese words - rei which means "God's Wisdom or the Higher Power" and ki which is "life-force energy". So Reiki is actually "spiritually guided life-force energy." This energy is channeled through the entire body and works on the mind, spirit and emotions of the afflicted person. The treatment, administered by placing the hands on the affected part, feels like a wonderful glowing radiance and has many beneficial effects which include a feeling of peace, security and wellbeing. 

Reiki can help alleviate the side effects of drugs and helps the body to recover from medication after surgery and chemotherapy. It boosts the immune system, increases vitality and slows down the aging process.

Colour Therapy

This aids healing by directing the recommended color’s wavelength and energy at the affected area of the body. The energy relating to each of the seven colors of the spectrum - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet - resonates with the energy of each of the seven main chakras/energy centers of the body. Red relates to the base chakra, orange to the sacral chakra, yellow to the solar plexus chakra, green to the heart chakra, blue to the throat chakra, indigo to the brow chakra (sometimes referred to as the third eye) and violet to the crown chakra. 

This therapy works when a colour is absorbed by the eyes, skin and our ‘magnetic energy field’ or aura; the energy of every colour affects us on a physical, spiritual and emotional level. Every cell in the body needs light energy - thus colour energy has widespread effects on the whole body. There are many different ways of applying this therapy including solarized water, light boxes/lamps with colour filters, colour silks and hands-on healing.

Sound Therapy 

This uses sound vibration to help correct an energy imbalance and create a deep sense of peace and well being. Research shows that sound waves can produce changes in the autonomic, immune and endocrine systems of the physical body. Says practitioner Kapila, who uses sound therapy as part of other wellness therapies like past life regression, “Like pranic healing or reiki, sound therapy lets sound energy blend with your energy body through harmonic vibration/sound, and helps harmonize the imbalance in the energy levels. It helps remove energy blockages, enhances areas where there is low energy and generally helps achieve a fine balance of chi.” 

Patients have to lie down, eyes closed, on a hollow wooden bed fitted below with 50 finely tuned strings. As the therapist skillfully plays on these, patients are imbued with the deep vibration of pure, tuneless sound. The net result is a state of deep relaxation which removes blockages, promotes healing and finally wellness.

Yet, as Nilima points out, it’s important to consult a holistic health coach to pick the right bouquet of therapies. No one system may be the answer to your problems – whether it’s broken bones or hearts, you may get lost in the healing alternatives!

Written for Vaahini, Accenture's microsite for women

Can men do anything without sexing us up?

Watching ads and promos on television can be even more entertaining than actually viewing the shows being aired. So that's what I do...between wandering around the house, doing chores, reading, and doing assignments, while my sister and mom are plopped in front of the television, watching those 'rona-dhona' (weepy-washed out) serials (as I call them).

One promo really caught my eye. It is for a new serial on Life Ok (I didn't catch the name of the serial because they tend to be like long sentences!). Anyway, it shows a woman who is trying to park her car and not able to do it, so she's holding up traffic. Then a guy sitting in his SUV whose been watching this for a while, gets out of his vehicle and offers to park it for her.

He does it and she thanks him. He turns around and taunts her by saying 'You women can't even park cars and you are looking to run this country'. And while she's still recovering from her shock, the sexist jerk walks back to his car. The bimbo who is with him is impressed with his caring attitude because she hasn't heard what he's told the other woman, but only watched him help her out. So she simpers and says 'Shlok, I like it that your so caring'. And he gives her a cheesy grin and says 'Yes, I'm always ready to help women.'

Does this kind of man sound familiar to anyone? A sexist, chauvinist hidden behind a conveniently caring and politely condescending veneer?

Honestly, I loved the way the promo concept was shot and scripted. But I definitely would have given that woman car driver an interesting line to say too. And that would be: 'You men are better drivers than us. But that doesn't mean you know how to run a country any better than us. You've already proved it by running this country, and many others, so badly!'

And besides, when men need us to sell everything - from cars to shaving cream - we can't be totally dispensable, can we? I'll let you ogle at the images in this post...and I took them at Barista.

So yes, apparently even coffee can't be sold without sexing us up. The day you figure out how to do this guys, then come and talk down to us.

Why are Indian women avoiding the Internet?

I've just finished reading a report called 'Women and the Web' done by Intel. For this report, 2,200 women in developing countries (termed as low and middle income like Uganda, Mexico, Egypt and India) were interviewed.

The report reveals that 23% fewer women than men are online, which works out to 200 million women who are not online. In some regions, this gap exceeds 40%. Surprisingly, India can have its own version of Silicon Valley in Bangalore but that doesn't seem to have made a difference to millions of women here (both in rural and urban areas).

In rural India, the problems are lack of infrastructure, education and encouragement. With urban women, it's the latter two reasons but sometimes only the last one. Many women complained of their Internet usage being monitored or just denied to them. And yes, men in their family go online. Their objections to women using the Internet are: It isn't required or safe for them. So they are protecting their women from porn sites (and the good stuff!), which they ironically, surf quite avidly themselves.

What these figures tell us is simply that women are being left behind by the technological/economical/political impact that the internet has on our lives. We are not allowed to be online for reasons ranging from family disapproval to not having an interest in learning about the possibilities of the internet. This means we are not using a fairly freely available tool to enhance our education, our career or our lives. See the graphics from the report that sum it up really well.

What these graphics show are pure numbers but don't really tell the stories behind the numbers. I wasn't surprised by the fact that women in Egypt don't use the Internet as much as the men do, but surprisingly, they were doing it more than women in India do!

So may be those protests that have happened in Tahir Square have given Egyptian women the freedom and the guts to step out of their homes and step into cyber cafes. Meanwhile, women in India are still thinking about doing it....if at all! And while cultural stereotypes are at work everywhere, it was disheartening to note that women in a Muslim country who are supposed to live behind their veil and just look after their home and kids, are more interested in what the world has to offer, than Indian women. The truth is worse.

Egyptian women have 'realised' what they were missing out on, and are making the move to be included in political and economic discussions in their country. While Indian women continue to remain blissfully unaware, of the huge potential being online can have on their lives. (See the graphic Fig 10.)

Anyway, this report was done with the support of a United Nations body called UN Women, and it suggests a number of steps that needs to be taken by both the private and public sectors to ensure that women don't get left out in even larger numbers. Closing this gap soon is imperative because a lot of the world's developing economies are going to benefit from it - by an estimated USD 13-18 billion annually to their GDP.

So if people can't see the fairness involved in doing this, atleast the profit motive should ring a bell. Money always talks in ways that a social conscience does not.

Download the full report from here: http://www.intel.com/content/www/us/en/technology-in-education/women-in-the-web.html  (Click on graphics to enlarge them.)

An old home restored as a doll house

Ever wondered what to do with an old house? Well, you could restore it and live in it. But here's something that is even better. How about making a life-size dollhouse out of it?

This is exactly what artist Heather Benning did when she found an abandoned house. With the permission of the landowner, she transformed the decrepit structure into a work of art, that is now being enjoyed by anyone who shows up to take a look.

This is creativity at its best. And making use of old things to give it a new lease of life, is what people should think of doing, with more of their possessions.

Read more on this wonderful restoration project here: http://webecoist.momtastic.com/2012/06/15/artist-transforms-abandoned-building-into-life-size-dollhouse/

Am I protected by the Cyber law in India?

I once attended an interesting talk that a lawyer had given on Cyber law in India and how it's implemented..and sometimes even misused. He went to on tell us the way that people get caught by cops and booked under the IT Act 2000. He told us that some of his clients had actually been arrested for things like drunk driving, but when their mobiles were confiscated and with what was found on it, allowed the cops to book them under the IT Act as well.

Here's a list of things he warned us about, that we should never have on our cellphones.

1. Porn and downloaded dirty jokes.
2. Pirated movies and MP3 music that has been illegally downloaded.
3. Pictures of children in a nude or semi-nude state. (This is even if your the parents/relatives of the child.)
4. Office work files, if downloaded on to a smartphone for any reason. If these files are copied onto a USB and taken out of the premises, then it is also a problem. (He actually said that even looking over a colleague's shoulder while he/she works, might be considered an infringement of the Act!)
5. Misusing free tools like Google Maps to pinpoint locations of people, which may look like stalking to cops (and to a lot of us sane people as well).

And this is before we even get to how social media sites may be allowing a lot of the above behaviour to be broadcasted anyway. So, all countries around the world have to deal with this new form of disseminating information, and to protect people who may become victims of it too. In fact, people are acting like vigilantes already. Just the other day, someone tweeted a picture of a man saying that if he was spotted anywhere, then the cops should be called immediately. This was in Delhi.

I felt good that finally mobile phones are being put to good use! I mean, for all the things that people can get arrested for having on their phone, what about men taking pictures of women whom they photograph surreptitiously in public, without our knowledge and certainly without our permission? Is this also a crime? I wish I had remembered to ask this vital question...

In my opinion, it obviously should be. If every creepy male gets away with taking such pictures, then we'll be in all their family albums..at least the ones they maintain on their phones! And the chances of them misusing the photos is practically a moot point. Now imagine Google Glass hitting the market in India..

Street smart tip for globe-trotters

 

Travelling is a fun way to get to know geography, history, civics – subjects that are not all that popular (when in school) with most people – but also one can study art, architecture, dance and music – all the cooler stuff as well.

Everyone knows that booking well in advance for a trip results in one getting cheaper fares. But most people discount this fact when they sign up for travel packages with big tour and travel agencies like Kesari, Raj Travels, SOTC, Kuoni, Cox & Kings and Thomas Cook.

The reason being that, they are most likely to be too excited thinking about their holiday and all the shopping they are going to be doing there and besides once the trip has been paid for, the airfare bookings are left to these agencies to take care of.

Here is a smart spending tip: Make your own airline bookings, even when you travel with a tour group. Now, I believe, travel operators also prefer it if you did it yourself. A source at Kesari told me that, “We tell customers to make their own airline bookings through the travel sites.”

Ironically, the offline agencies and their online rivals may have made this pact as a truce of some kind, so that all people don’t just simply migrate to portals and stop using travel operators. Therefore, travel agencies channel some business their way but obviously, not all of it. They keep hotel bookings to themselves, which is where the meat really is.

A garbage bag that says good stuff within!

 

What does it take to manage your life better?

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine, who was telling me how I was so lucky to stay with my family and not have any financial responsibilities, and to not know what it was like to live alone etc.

I agreed with him, and I told him this was a decision that can be taken by everyone and anyone if they chose to. Unless you are forced to emigrate for a job as a refugee or something!

So, why wasn't he living with his family in Kerala? Well, here were the reasons (all of one!) why he came over to Mumbai: His dad didn't approve too much of his choice of career and he didn't want to put up with the constant nagging. So, I told him I put up with nagging and much worse at home. Therefore, I do pay a price for staying in my own home, which he and others like him, would rather not put up with. Therefore, they foot the cost of their independence. I choose to stay at home to save money to get a place of my own someday. If that is not a priority for people, then how they spend their money is not my problem, and I said so to this guy.

Well, he gave me a lecture on how pampered I was (which is not remotely true) and I finally got him to take it easy by asking him two questions: If you are living an independent life, then have you made anyone happy? Are you even caring for a pet or an adopted child? And his answer to me was no. So, I told him that I was supporting children in an orphanage since I was 23 with cash, clothes, toys and sometimes food. So I wasn't living only for myself unlike so-called independent people like him. Any money that I managed to save forking over for some dingy apartment somewhere, was being put into good use. Meanwhile, he was living from paycheque to paycheque. If one has to live on their own out of absolute necessity or their own desire, then do so.  But don't make it sound more virtuous than it is.

And anyway, for men like my friend who can't stretch their salaries, there is a website that I worked for, that claims to help them manage their finances better. Ironically, this site is targeted at men just like him (between ages 28-44) and not women. So does this mean that women are anyway better at handling money, and we don't need a website to show us how to do it? I think the answer is: Yes.

Even a maid who earns under Rs 10,000 a month, will somehow manage to send her kids to school and put food on her table thrice a day, in a city like Mumbai. (And most of the time, maids are married to drunk and abusive men who don't work, so they have this specimen as a burden on their shoulders as well.) Meanwhile, educated working men, (who trample over each other and their women colleagues to get to the money), will whine about how they can't manage! Well boys, don't check out faddy websites so much, ask your maids to help you out with their commonsense.  (Websites don't dish that out, if you don't have it!) In fact, they come with disclaimers stating that you need to go to a financial advisor for any actionable advice, so why not listen to your maids anyway?

Even stay-at-home moms are good at this. They run their homes on a budget and again don't check out a website to make sure their doing a good job of it. Really, more of you men should stay home and learn money management, since you can't seem to get the hang of it.

Besides malls are filled with stores aimed at women, to get them to splurge on more handbags, cosmetics, clothes, shoes, jewellery etc. And yes, we could go for cars and gadgets too. So where are men's salaries disappearing? Can't be on more cosmetics and lingerie..so probably on cars and gadgets. Well, if you can spare the cash, then cool. But like my friend, if you spend your initial, debt-free years buying frivolous stuff and then you complain that you can't make ends meet, then who is to blame? Too much peer pressure? Too much bravado? Too much showoff-iness?

Here's an open secret: Women can live without all the frills, especially when you can't provide us with the essentials to begin with. It's like stocking your kitchen with all the best spices in the world to cook a delicious biryani, but then you forget to keep salt. In such circumstances, I'd rather eat dal-khichdi with some pepper, ghee and curd, than that bland biryani any day.

Like food, so with money. If you men don't know how to get the essentials first, and run to get your thrills, frills and chills right away, then like I suggested earlier, let your maids or moms handle your money. They are unlikely to be stupid and casual about it, because handling money is a skill borne of necessity. When you don't have too much of it in your hands, then you figure out ways to stretch it. This is something men will never know because for them enough is never good enough. So, rather than make the money they earn matter, they will go out with their begging bowl and ask for a fatter paycheque. They usually get their way, as they know they will. Only some women in their organisations won't get that much of  a raise or a bonus. Yet, they will be able to manage their money matters better than men.

Touche..my friend. You needed to learn better finance management at home, from an early age, while you had the chance. Don't envy me for getting it, along with a cosy home. 

The Athena Doctrine

I'm going to get my hands on this book, not the least because it has got a title like 'The Athena Doctrine: How Women (and the Men who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World'. Here's a little teaser...

Graphic sourced from the book. Click on the image to enlarge it.

Relationships: Are they one of life's jokes?

Relationships are funny things - you can't live without them and sometimes, you can't live in some of them either. When relationships are ascribed ones and not acquired ones - like the one we share with our parents or siblings - then if your not happy with any one of these people for any reason, it's difficult to deal with. You know you'll never be able to get out of being around them, and everyone will want you to keep making an effort till the end of time, to sort things out.

Acquired relationships are more transient and flexible. You don't like someone, then you don't have to put up with that person. Since marriage is an acquired relationship, you should be able to walk away if you don't want to be with a person anymore. Not because I think marriage is a cheap institution, which in a way it is! It's really about two people exchanging vows to provide services to each other free of cost. (I have coined a nice term for marriage that I use around some friends: Socially sanctioned sex.) But if both parties agree to it (and keep their end of the deal faithfully), then it works. I think marriage is an expensive proposition - especially for women, and ironically, they are the ones who hanker for it, almost as badly as men.

Until things are too late, and so many of them end up with regrets. I should know because any number of women in my family are unhappily married to men who totally didn't deserve them. Whenever I bring this up, in context to the question of when am I getting married, then people joke it off by saying "You were not there to give us advice." or "We should have consulted you, even though you were just a child then." Actually, I wish they had! I was a worldly-wise child before my time, and I was anyway living in my parents bad marriage for years, while my aunts were just getting into their marriages with stars in their eyes.

And more than consulting me, they should just have been more observant and see what married life entails for women because there is always plenty of evidence around. I know a friend of mine who is 9 years younger than me, and she's feeling the pressure from her family to get married. I told her to wait till she was 30 and enjoy her freedom because married people never talk about how much they envy that about us. They only look at us with pity, like we don't understand how suffocated they may be in their relationships, but they have to put a nice face to it! She laughed and didn't feel weird for wanting to delay marriage by a few years.

I think any relationship works if both parties know they haven't been exploited. It's not the case though. A lot of women have ended up feeling trapped and exploited. Here's an example. If you asked my mum, which religion she belongs to now, she won't have a proper answer to give. That's because having been born a Catholic, she married a Hindu. My Hindu father went about changing her identity so completely (and she allowed it), that not many people know she was born Joyce Margaret Serrao, but everyone knows she's Jayshree now. So having made compromises of such huge proportions, mum regrets it now and therefore, doesn't know which religion she belongs to. Dad did it all his way, including getting her to sign a stamp paper renouncing her religion (which she conveniently doesn't recall doing), but I've seen that document.

So you see what happens when women act starry eyed and dumb (or is it too trusting?) when getting married - you get taken advantage of big time. Marriage is supposed to be sacred but that hasn't stopped people from treating it like a joke. And treating women's identities, dreams and hopes like disposable commodities. And obviously, such men only end up in bad marriages. A sad farce. A socially acceptable flop drama...until the woman wants a divorce. I'm glad women are asking for divorce. After all, there is more to life than the idiots they ended up marrying! Besides, I feel it's better to be happily single than unhappily married.

I've not seen trust, fidelity and a lifetime's service being repaid with anything but ingratitude and a sense of entitlement. So, men feel they are entitled to all of our good behaviour and good natures, and we don't get any of that in return. Not as if we are entitled to it. We get it, only if we are lucky to be married to men, who give it to us as our right, out of their own free will. They give off their best to their significant other, whom they want to keep happy. My dream man falls in this category obviously. But how many of them are out there anyway? 

And while I don't condone married people having affairs, this kind of thinking has not bothered married people at all. I get leched at more by husbands, often when they are with their wives. Some of my married male friends tell me, they still have feelings for me. (And I never dated any of them, we were just friends.) I'm so happy to know this because it just shows what I anyway think, that people marry for the wrong reasons..and often the wrong people. If you are going to do more research over which car brand you want to buy, than what kind of person you are marrying, then you deserve the mess you get into. 

And anyway, I prefer to keep men pining. Not out of cruelty and selfishness. More out of a sense of self preservation. I know just how sweetly men can talk to you and make you feel like you are the only one for them, when all the time, they are scanning other women and thinking of keeping their options open. Women are now doing it too...and why shouldn't we? Men should be repaid in their own coin. Besides, if it keeps me safe from alligators masquerading as men, then I'd stick with this strategy.

So, if there are any male delinquents reading this, and looking to convince a particular woman that she's the one they truly want, then first take a look at your own motives carefully and completely honestly. And tell the woman upfront what you want out of her, and let her decide if she wants to meet you halfway, and on what terms. Don't con her into marrying you, and then become great white sharks overnight. (And no, the sex you offer isn't all that great. So, don't hold that out as a promise. Since a lot of my married friends are not happy with their sex lives, and they have told me so. Two of them, in fact, told me not to get married for sex because it was overrated! So, unless you know for sure, from a woman, that you are so wonderful in this department, don't assume you are.)

Which is why I had decided as a 13 year old (when most other teens were still dealing with their hormones and crushes), that any long term relationship I acquire or get into, will be on fair, generous and equal terms for me. And not, what the world thinks is right for me. I let other people make relationship mistakes, while I watch and learn....and have a good laugh at their expense. After all, someone has to applaud at the drama.

Is our Digital Life fulfilling?

Living online is so second nature to us now, that most of us don't even give it much thought that we have put so much personal information about ourselves out there, for strangers to know...and exploit. But this came home to many when Facebook's privacy settings got complicated and people just didn't bother to wade through any of it and their 'default' settings was leaking information from their accounts. Google Plus had their bad-hair day earlier in the game, when everyone could see each other's most frequent contacts. and woe-be-it if ex-wives or ex-husbands  (or an office colleague) were showing up there!

People's lazy and careless online behaviour has come back to haunt them, and many have ended up losing jobs or getting divorced because of their Facebook indiscretions. So people have become warier and now realise that once something is online, it pretty much stays that way, especially if Google caches it. In this Havas International report - The Digital Life - it states that one man asked for all his Facebook updates from the social media service and got 1,222 PDFs from them, and this included all his deleted posts as well.

So now both young and old people feel that privacy is something that is not maintained properly, and the older generation in particular think that the younger generation don't know how to keep some things private. This perception, according to the report, is something much of the younger crowd agrees with. This lack of inhibitions online is happening along with many changes in the social fabric, such as nuclear families disintegrating to single mom homes, of elderly people not getting enough respect. Or even not many elderly people being around to act like a guide, philosopher and friend to the younger generation.

While everyone enjoys the freedom of speech and entitlement that goes with having a Twitter or Facebook account, it does not fill in the void left behind by diminishing face-to-face conversations and interactions. The sense of loneliness can become even more acute, because even as most of us are in touch with more people than ever before - the quality of those relationships may be superficial at best. We seem to have exchanged quality for quantity now. For instance, we know what a friend had for breakfast because she updates her FB status, but we don't recall how her voice sounds on the phone anymore.

The Digital Life report sets out all of this modern day dilemmas in graphic detail, and the fact that so many people are bothered by it is good news. At the least, being complacent is not on their agenda yet!

Read the entire report here: http://www.prosumer-report.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/downloads/2012/09/this-digital-life.pdf

Community spirit is alive on the web

What do people use social media for a lot? To keep in touch with one another and to reach out to one another. The reaching out bit is becoming a huge global wave that seems to have touched every corner of this world. Any and every social ill or injustice done anywhere can snowball into a much bigger deal than ever before.

People can be recruited to support causes that they wish to even if they don't live within the physical boundaries of a particular country. See how the Egypt, Syria and Libya issues have spiralled out of state control because of online activism as much as offline legwork.

People are choosing not to remain passive puddings anymore, and with social media making it so easy, they have less excuse for doing so. Even though in a country like India, 56% of people mentioned in this Prosumer report (Communities and Citizenship) stated that voting was on par with making a difference, in more developed countries voting is no longer the only way to get heard.

Here people prefer to talk with their wallets and get businesses to act and behave in a more socially and environmentally responsible manner. In line with this expectation from hyper-aware consumers, a lot of global businesses have started programmes that reflect this concern. And more businesses should because a huge 83% of people want to make the world a better place.

Here's what the report says come companies are doing to curry favour with their socially and environmentally savvy consumers:

1. Through its Imagine Cup, Microsoft is supporting FlashFood, a social media−empowered app that connects restaurants, caterers, and other food-service businesses with community organizations that feed the hungry. The app coordinates the transfer of excess food togroups in need each day, so less of it ends up in waste bins.

2. Reckett Benckiser’s Harpic is working with Save the Children to build and repair community toilet facilities in those parts of India that are most in need.

3. Dos Equis, CamelBak, and other brands are instilling a sense of community and camaraderie in targeted locations by sponsoring Tough Mudder, a hardcore obstacle-course event designed by British Special Forces to test participants’ strength, stamina, mental grit, and teamwork. The events, which have raised in excess of $3 million for the Wounded Warrior Project, have expanded beyond the U.S. to Canada, Europe, and Australia.

4. Hoping to gain a quick dose of legitimacy with the environmental crowd, Clorox partnered with the Sierra Club to promote the Green Works line of natural cleaning products. And a number of leading companies—IBM, Pitney Bowes, Nokia, and Sony, among them—have joined with the World Business Council for Sustainable Development to create the Eco-Patent Commons, intended to make environmentally friendly patents available for widespread use. 

When every person with an internet connection can coerce or convince businesses and governments to act ethically and fairly, as much as possible, then the birth and spread of social media has found its true meaning.

For more interesting insights, read the full report here: http://www.prosumer-report.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/downloads/2013/01/prosumer-communities-and-citizenship.pdf

Rogue Chinese entrepreneurs threaten big brands

In India, we seem to be flooded with Chinese made goods. Everything from cutesy handbags to hair clips with Disney characters on them are available. But what many legitimate businesses are soon realising is that, by copying their products almost identically with only minor differentiation to suit Chinese tastes, is making their businesses suffer. So to succeed in China is a different ballgame and they need to understand the Chinese rules of doing business.  

A Strategy & report called Shan Zhai: A Chinese Phenomenon is good reading on this subject. Here is an excerpt from the report:  

Although each Shan Zhai company is different, they often have common characteristics, such as tendencies to do the following:

• Focus on the domestic market (at least initially)

• Target mostly mass consumers

• Strive for very short cycle time on product introduction

• Focus on cost (but often offer lower quality too)

• Tailor product features and functions specifically to local requirements.

Successful Shan Zhai companies may begin as counterfeiters or pirates but often evolve into legitimate businesses with their own intellectual property (IP) portfolios. 

 

So the report suggests that while Shan Zhai enterprises start out like rogue ones, they quickly evolve to grab marketshare from legit brands because they understand their consumers better. They then invest in R&D too to finesse their products even more.

So while they make cheap and inferior quality stuff to the branded products, they add enough frills and gimmicks in them to enhance their appeal to their Chinese users. These make them seem like a better deal to shoppers, than the genuine Apple, Nike and Toyota products in the market. 

Read the full interesting report here: Shan Zhai: A Chinese Phenomenon

Consumers don't put their money where their mouth is

This article from the Strategy+Business website is eye-opening. Here is an excerpt:

The trouble with the data on ethical consumerism is that the majority of research relies on people reporting on their own purchasing habits or intentions, whether in surveys or through interviews. But there is little if any validation of what consumers report in these surveys, and individuals tend to dramatically overstate the importance of social and ethical responsibility when it comes to their purchasing habits. As noted by John Drummond, CEO of Corporate Culture, a CSR consultancy, “Most consumer research is highly dubious, because there is a gap between what people say and what they do.”

During the last 25 years, there has been debate about the value of corporate social responsibility (CSR), particularly as it relates to the rise of “ethical consumers.” These are shoppers who base purchasing decisions on whether a product’s social and ethical positioning — for example, its environmental impact or the labor practices used to manufacture it — aligns with their values. Many surveys purport to show that even the average consumer is demanding so-called ethical products, such as fair trade–certified coffee and chocolate, fair labor–certified garments, cosmetics produced without animal testing, and products made through the use of sustainable technologies. Yet when companies offer such products, they are invariably met with indifference by all but a selected group of consumers.

Is the consumer a cause-driven liberal when surveyed, but an economic conservative at the checkout line? Is the ethical consumer little more than a myth? Although many individuals bring their values and beliefs into purchasing decisions, when we examined actual consumer behavior, we found that the percentage of shopping choices made on a truly ethical basis proved far smaller than most observers believe, and far smaller than is suggested by the anecdotal data presented by advocacy groups.

The purchasing statistics on ethical products in the marketplace support this assertion. Most of these products have attained only niche market positions. The exceptions tend to be relatively rare circumstances in which a multinational corporation has acquired a company with an ethical product or service, and invested in its growth as a separate business, without altering its other business lines (or the nature of its operations). 

For example, Unilever’s purchase of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc. allowed for the expansion of the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream franchise within the United States, but the rest of Unilever’s businesses remained largely unaffected. Companies that try to engage in proactive, cause-oriented product development often find themselves at a disadvantage: Either their target market proves significantly smaller than predicted by their focus groups and surveys or their costs of providing ethical product features are not covered by the prices consumers are willing to pay.

To read the full article, go here: Values vs. Value